Not knowing when what or how. So many unspoken goals. So many ideas. So many life stories about anything and everything. These are my thoughts on my transitions though this life’s journey. we begin from childhood “why & why nots” to Trying Teenager “oh, yes I can & yes I will”, Then becoming the conflicted adult “what I wish I did & I wish didn’t”. Current transition, Midlife Madness why didn’t realize that before?” & “I’m up, Let’s do this another way.
I have yet to experience the Seasoned Senior “I had all I need this whole time, please forgive me” & I rush for no one”. I do however have many thoughts, memories of those around me that have shared their life stories with me. Many are of those who trusted me to be apart of their end of life care, Being able to help keep these beautiful soul’s legacy alive by sharing with others is my humble pleasure.
The idea of how many people can benefit from what I can share. How to share it how I not only help others but myself my family in more ways than one. I have notes with dates, names & Places. Some on napkins or in a book. How to start ? Who can I talk to? from this?
Being encouraged by those who insist that I follow my life’s calling. I struggled to just dive in not to overthink it. While following what I was drawn to for several years now I have earned certifications in a few areas of my life long interests and passions, my spiritual connection to Divine Spirit. Becoming an ordained officiant in 2016, I was sent a flyer to apply for an online course Dream Interpretation Teacher completed in 2018. A year after I received my Notary signing agent (Online Notary) Commission. Throughout the past couple of years I came across resources on blogging, understanding the benefits sharing blogs. So I am beginning this journey with positive energy and positive thoughts.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9 KJV
Everyday can be a day of prayer and remembering our loved ones that are no longer with us physically. National all souls day is a day when those who practice a specific religion such as Roman Catholic or Christianity, pray for the dearly departed. Specifically for those who past unexpectedly, by suicide or past in a violent manner. This is not a day dedicated to one religion, those who do not practice religion but have family or friends who have passed on participate in All Souls day to honor and remember them and what they meant to us during the time that was spent together. There are many ways that we can keep our loved ones legacy alive. Candlelight vigils- lighting a white candle to symbolize the purest white light blessing and light the path for all souls to their eternal peace. Incorporating candlelight vigil is optional as creating an alter with any items that remind us of our loved one. These items can be anything such as a photo of them or a personal item of theirs. Planning and preparing a favorite meal or drink. Playing music or participating in activities they enjoyed while alive. If it is not possible to gather in a group for whatever reason some choose to utilize social media as a way to gather by video chats.
(all in agreement with this prayer and only positive intentions for all souls)
Merciful Father
I call on our angels & guides to surround us with your love and protection .
We come before you now with pure intentions & pray for mercy and everlasting peace over all departed souls. As we lift up our loved ones We pray for (state names of dearly departed aloud or silently) be in eternal peace. Lord hear our prayers.
We pray for the forgiveness of all sins of all souls. We ask that they may rest from their labors, for their good deeds go with them. Merciful father answer our prayers
Bless all who mourn and pray for the dearly departed with love, peace and acceptance.
We give you thanks and praise for answered prayers
Difficult times may knock us down. Rocky unstable paths may cause us to fall. Acknowledge the lesson, accept, release then, rise. Believing you are a blessed and powerful soul. You can rise up from this and rise, you will.
Are they really looking out for my best interest? Have they ever? Experiencing loss of innocence, of love, trust, compassion and acceptance. Teaching me the ways of the world was to keep secrets and not to trust others.
Forgive and be forgiven. To forgive from my heart by prayer and meditation most of all faith. Faith, my reason for not having taken that last step to end it all. End it all, what an ironic phrase.
Contemplating taking the leap of death. With no one watching, no one encouraging to take the step forward to my demise much less a step back to live. Or was there someone there all along? A guardian, in the form of calico cats. My spirit animal, my power animal helping guide and give me the power of strength, intuition and of survival. As you jump to and from physical to spiritual realm you come to me in the time of need making your presence known. Showing me that even when I fall, I will land on my feet, to gracefully leap up again. Embracing the life I was destined to live, releasing the life given to live.
No longer will I follow the rules given to fail, to live life with no voice or reason. Awaken my intuition, giving me insight I originally had only to be covered up, covered by mankind’s expectations and secrets. “God forgive them for they know not what they do”. Or do they?
Life is different for every one. Although we may not all have been raised by two parents we all have a biological mother and father. I do not know who can benefit from this specific blog. If there is even one person or family, this can help to encourage positive change or forgiveness. I am happy to share it with the world. Are you that daughter or son who is on the fence about looking for an absent parent? possibly forgiving an abusive or absent parent? Are you the parent who isn’t sure if it matters at this point to be apart of your children’s life or is it too late? As for me, I say it matters and it’s not too late. Do it. Ask the question. Say it.
Truth be known that I love the man who was my father. Danny was not a part of my life as some fathers are for their children. This I carried with me most of my 43 years, I was aware of who my father was and at times I knew where he lived. I even attended one of his weddings. Our relationship was pretty non existent for the most part. I was not encouraged to have hate or to disrespect my father. I did that on my own as a teenager into my adult life.
Danny was human and was affected by the world as we all are. As we are all programed by our lives as we know them, as we were taught. How can we know what we are not shown? Even if we feel it in our souls we are not aware at times why we feel the need to question our upbringing or the beliefs of our ancestors and loved ones. some of us do speak up when we are old enough to finally voice our thoughts and ask the questions we feel. We all have choices and free will. Regardless of what my father chose to do or not to do in his life. I have the same free will and my own beliefs that I am entitled to and practice.
If, I was ever encouraged to feel ashamed to say I love the man who is my father because it wasn’t returned or automatically shown, well, I should have been ashamed of myself. For many years I did feel embarrassed and sad that I was wanting to be in the life of my father and him in mine, but he didn’t show the same interest for me. It was difficult to accept, to not be hurt or angry. Not knowing who this man was other than what I heard and few memories of him and I.
One of my first memories.
At the age of 3 years old, Being told by my mother that she had a surprise for me as we walked through my childhood home to the kitchen. My surprise? My surprise was my father. As I recognized the man turning towards me and him smiling, I ran to him. As he lifted me up, I threw my arms around his neck.
Just knowing that he was around I knew that there was always a possibility I would see him somewhere. Especially if I was around my siblings or at my Aunt Delia’s who is his sister. My Aunt Delia did not accept that I would refer to him as Danny not Dad. I am glad that she was firm in her way of making sure that it was known. Be that as it may, I was Danny’s daughter. He was my Father. Although, I do not know as much about my father as my older siblings, I can see how much we are the same not just in features but in personality. It is what it is. We are who we are, and I openly say I am Danny’s daughter and am proud of it. I am a strong woman because of my life experiences. Good and bad they are my experiences. All that I have struggled with in life and all I have been blessed with is what has helped my true self awaken into my purpose. I am no better than the next nor am I not enough.
“The truth is I love you dad. I’ve always loved you. I often wonder if you ever really loved me”
Closure with my father in his final days was exactly what should have been. All the years of praying to be close with him and to talk with him had already been the plan.
Last conversation with and memory of my father
“I love him and always loved him. How I wish I could have had more time with him.” (as my father put his head back & closed his eyes) I told him how I was upset and hurt when I was younger. And blamed him for bad things that happened in my life and to me. That I never knew if he even loved me. (He looked at me like he did not know or was surprised at what I said) I told him it was ok I understand now. I apologized and asked him to forgive me. And I forgave him. I know he had probably gone through bad times himself. None of it was his fault and that I believe he is a good man. We are not perfect and do things that we are not proud of. But I wanted him to know that no matter what, nothing changed that I loved him and thanked him for being my father. He was holding my hand and smiled so big his eyes filled with tears nodding in agreement, placing his other hand on top of both mine and squeezed them. Without turning away he looked straight in my eyes we stayed that way for a few seconds. I thank God for those moments of peace and love between my father and I. That night I chose to believe though dad didn’t say it. His look and the way he held my hands told me that my father did love me.
The night before my father passed my brothers all visited him. Even though our oldest brother Daniel was in Georgia, we had him on a video call. I chose to with him that night. Daniel Torres passed peacefully in his sleep that following morning. My faith in God and in my angels gives me the comfort to know that my father and I are still getting to know each other that he is guiding not just myself, but all his children.
I would like to be the voice for all of us who can’t but want to speak up and ask the questions. To scream the words. To tell that young girl and young boy that they are loved and are so special. Free yourself from the emotional pain forgive and love. Be the voice for others that you feel you needed. It’s not too late and it still matters.
I want to start off by saying Thank you all for taking time to read this. I pray for this eulogy to be helpful in a way of understanding and acceptance. This may be a form to pay your last respect or for closure, so long as you are here with good intentions and genuine love for our dearly departed.
There are many who may not have realized who Lisa was, what she lived and the lesson she taught us the day she left us. We can all agree that Mary “Lisa” was not who we once knew. It is no secret that Lisa was not in the greatest place in her life or health. There are many of us who have known Lisa our entire lives and those who knew Lisa since she was born.
On June 17, 1968, Mary Elizabeth Torres was born here in San Antonio. Baby sister to Daniel and Nicky Torres. Only daughter to Oralia and Daniel Torres. The family was together for less than a year after she was born. Sadly, Oralia was called home leaving Lisa to be raised by her grandparents Janie and Fred Vasquez. still having her big brothers and father in her life. Only God and my sister knew all she lived throughout her 52 years. I can only speak on the times I spent with my big sister just like everyone who knew her.
Some memories that a few of us remember are:
*I will always cherish the memories with our family hanging out at Landa Park and backyard barbecues and birthday party’s with our kids. Thanks Lisa (sam)
* I just know she is such a loving and caring person, I miss her. She taught me so much when I was a teenager. What I learned; I cannot say she taught me LOL! (anonymous cousin)
*We were best friend’s I love her very much she was a strong woman. But did not believe she was strong enough to get better. Your sister was a beautiful woman I love her dearly and so did a lot of other people. I never saw her different, she was my friend and everyone struggles. She told me what she wanted in life but was getting more sick. I will miss her very much (Kimberly)
*Mary was one of the first individuals I met when I moved out to San Antonio. I will remember how she took time to look out for me when I was ill and unable to walk. she went out of her way to get me to a place that could help. In many ways she saved my life. I am blessed to have met Mary. There was a time I saw her so carefree and happy, almost a childlike innocence, was when Mary was playing with her puppies who were here babies and companions. Mary confided in me as I did in her. One thing that she shared with me is that there were some things she regretted. Which was how everything turned out with her children. Things that were said and done that cause hurt and damaged their relationships. I will always remember her kind heart. (Ann)
*Everybody makes bad decisions in life everyone strays from the norm during their lives. I knew and remember Lisa at her best and I will always hold her in my memory and heart that way (Tom)
*I’m still in shock I’ve been thinking a lot about her, especially the days when I would spend the weekend with grandpa and gramma. She used to take me to the mall when I was a kid we would spend the whole day there and then go back and watch MTV when they used to play music videos. Gilbert
Thank you to those who share with us.
I’d like to share something I noticed about Lisa as the years went by. Something I hadn’t realized she always did until the end of her journey. Lisa always looked her best. I have many memories of my sister. One I remember was a time I was with my brothers Nicky & David. Lisa and their cousin Raymond were also with us. Nicky took us to the carnival during fiesta, in downtown San Antonio. We had so much fun getting on rides and playing games to win those little mirrors, with some rock bands name on it. What stands out for me when thinking about this time, was stopping to pick up my sister where she lived, on La Gloria Street. Her room was that of a teenager. Posters on the wall. Music playing while she finished getting ready. I sat on her bed while she moussed her long curly hair that was red almost purple. Walking around washing a few dishes and putting make-up on before we left.
Fast forward to 10 years or so. Lisa now married and a mom. My memories of her morning routine getting ready for work is something I have never forgotten. Rolling her hair while getting her babies ready for school and putting her make up on eventually walking out as she slipped her heels on. For a 12-year-old girl it was amazing to witness my big sister as she went from mom and wife to business working woman. As little sisters can sometimes be, I would anxiously wait for her to get home at a time we lived in the same apartment complex. Although she at times looked tired from the day, Lisa would make dinner and care for my nephew Randal. I am happy to have been a part of her life. I was there when Lisa & my brother-in-law had their second son, my nephew and godson Patrick and shortly after their 3rd child and only baby girl Desirae. I witnessed this beautiful woman express & receive love that I carry with me always and more so now. I looked up to my sister and always will. I knew my sister for who she was before her illness with cancer. As I witnessed my sister at her best, I also witnessed her as she struggled and fought for her life for many years in many ways.
Not so long ago I was looking for my sister it was right around Christmas & New Year’s. I had not heard from her nor had I seen her on social media. Although we were not seeing each other frequently we would talk and message on Facebook. Lisa finally joined the world of the internet. she was weighing heavily on my mind, and we noticed she had not responded to our chats in a while. I started asking around for her after finally getting a hold of her, she and I had a conversation that I am so grateful for. As she went all big sister on me for making a big deal about it, all I could say was I was not sorry for doing all I did to find her. That I’d rather have her here and tell me all she needed to than not have her here at all. I saw my sister a couple of times after that conversation. Looking tired and older than I remember she still managed to smile and had her hair combed and make up on. Lisa, still looking her best.
I wanted her to get in my car and allow me to take care of her. I know our brothers felt the same as we all requested Lisa to come stay with us for a while. But she would not be a burden to anyone was what she thought. Again, in May we noticed that Lisa had not responded to messages and calls. Not sure if I was going get the big sister talk again, I waited for a call back. Only, the call our family received was not from my sister.
Mary Elizabeth Torres Soto passed on May 22nd 2021 of natural causes due to, was pronounced deceased on May 24th, 2021. The harsh reality is that she was not physically surrounded by those who love her the most like most of us would have preferred. But I believe that her exit from this life on to her next chapter was orchestrated is such a way that we may learn to appreciate one another as who we are and not who we are expected to be. May we all have peace in our hearts knowing that there was nothing any of us could have done to help how and when Lisa departed. I honestly believe Lisa knows this as well. Although we imagine that she was alone, it was her road that only she was to walk without anyone else, only she was never alone, Our Divine father and protector was and has always been with Lisa.
Personal Acknowledgments & Condolences
In preparing the final arrangements for my sister Lisa it became harder than I thought it would be to get through. So I would like to take this time to end with extending my condolences to Lisa’s extended family & friends. To the rest of our Torres Family & to The Vasquez Family. Although I am not “blood related”, those I’ve had the pleasure of meeting have always been kind and welcoming towards me. I am grateful and appreciate all who cared and loved Lisa.
Thank you for your time and interest in reading . If there is anyone that would like to share a memory or words for the family, please feel free to do so in the comments section
Today officially marks 8 years that she was taken home. Truth is it doesn’t matter how many years, months, weeks, hours, minutes or even seconds it has been. The fact is that she no longer physically here. As another year passes by with next right behind I continue to live each day appreciating all of life’s precious blessings. My connection with all that is. My spiritual calling with Divine Spirit/God, Photographs and fragrances keep vivid images of our life together. Music, oh how I love music, I can feel the rhythm of all life’s emotions. The beats of every heartbeat, each breath taken. It’s amazing to me that most of us do not think about how certain events or a typical day around the house would be so meaningful and memorable for us throughout the years. Hearing this was one of those times. While driving today I heard a song. One I’ve heard her sing many times. An overwhelming rush of the chills flowed from head to toe. Tears filled my eyes and as my attempt to keep smiling failed, the corners of my mouth twitched as my grin turn into a frown. Singing along out loud was no longer possible for that brief moment. Instead I paid attention to the lyrics. To my surprise there it was, there she was. “Mama” sweet beautiful Mama always had a way of getting through to me is what ran through my mind while listening to this verse.
K's thoughts 